Today was super stressful, it seems like everyone thinks I can just shit out good pictures. I was so close to smashing my camera.. but I took a deep breathe.
I dyed my hair reddishh purpleish brown, it’s crazy. I’m and up and down on wether I like it or not, everyone is saying it’s better than red but idk. I mostly did it for something new, I find myself changing my hair when I make big changes myself. A lot happened this weekend.
I went to that kind of lame circus filled with laughing/crying babies and children. I went alone but got to sit in the front row because of Christopher’s mother. She does the District 205 foundation & they’re the ones who got the circus there in the first place.
It was the first time I had ever gone to a circus, & it made me sad that I had never gone as a child. As a 17 year old girl, I could point every little mistake out, and the humor was terrible, I felt heartache when I saw those poor little animals. I studied the performers expressions, trying to read them… trying to imagine who they are and how they got there and what they were actually thinking. Of course as a 6 year old girl all of this would’ve been irrelevant to me for I probably would just have wanted to see the cute stinky elephant spin around in pedestals.
It made me sad to think of those kids, and how unstable their lives are. It scared me & I realized that the circus life is a whole different world. They’re always on the road and that sounds so terrifying. Just makes you wonder how the people born into that think..
Later friday night I went to a show, it was ok… Till I was missing almost 40 bucks and my ex scribbled all over my license.
It’s weird, how people act like they’re totally over something and smile so big and yet go out of their way to act like a 3 year old and make you feel like shit. If you’re neutral to something..hm.. well, you’re over it haha there’s not much to it. So I didn’t say anything, cause I don’t care. I just want my money back, I work hard for it & not for that some scolded 6 year old pussy decides to steal. I’m not a parent or someones self-conscious, I mean even 6 year olds know what’s right an wrong. Sure It made me want to chop his head off, but right now it makes me giggle..
I have two atomic bombs.
One is my lover, who keeps me calm and gives me confidence.. & honestly I always feel closer to him after drama happens. I’ve come to realize, that I’m a step closer to being who I want to be.
The other one, is hilarious.
I mean, in conclusion of this weekend..
I feel like I can handle problems easier, I feel stonger, I feel snuggly, & I’m ready to work hard.
I feel so much of it right now. I go back three…what four years ago and it seems so recent, I go back to Guatemala. I go back to my friends, those beautiful girls. I remember our sleepovers, and our road trips to the beach… staying at the beach house. I remember going to those parties.. I remember doing things girls at that age aren’t supposed to be doing, there was so much happiness, so much ignorance… I miss it so much. Chris is right, I do feel like I died, or they died…I feel like I lost something valuable.. like they just fell out of my backpack because I forgot to zip it up. It’s all gone now.. We’re all growing up so fast. The innocence is gone.
This is making me so emotional, it’s ridiculous.
Days like these are rare, they truly are. Whenever I start feeling like this, I push it away.
I moved way too much, & honestly it’s affected me in so many negatives ways. Sometimes it seems so surreal, I find myself in this suburb called Elmhurst and can’t even believe I lived in between mountains. It’s all so crazy, It’s all so different. I feel like I’ve lived so many lives in a single life. How is that possible?
There should be so many people in my life right now, they should be closer.
There are so many school that I really like…but they’re all out of state. I only want to go to one school in Chicago… but I really wanna stay in Chicago… It’s like so scary how real things will slowly unveil. It feels weird to think about what colleges I’m going to apply to because I wonder if I get accepted if I’ll actually leave.
I’m so scared to go somewhere far away alone, I mean I know it wouldn’t be the first time… I just don’t know. I still have a lot of time, but in the mean time it makes me so nervous.