There are so many school that I really like…but they’re all out of state. I only want to go to one school in Chicago… but I really wanna stay in Chicago… It’s like so scary how real things will slowly unveil. It feels weird to think about what colleges I’m going to apply to because I wonder if I get accepted if I’ll actually leave.
I’m so scared to go somewhere far away alone, I mean I know it wouldn’t be the first time… I just don’t know. I still have a lot of time, but in the mean time it makes me so nervous.
So, there is a meaning behind this. My last couple of pictures have meant a lot to me because they’ve truly represented how I feel. The reason why I chose to do a 365 was mainly for therapy purposes and I drifted away for a lot of it…but I’m back and hopefully I’ll get better. I’ll share what this is all about, whether you care or not haha The past couple of relationships I’ve had with boys were very rocky; they were full of foolish mistakes, heartache, and everything else that comes with immature teenage relationships. The most recent one had a very harsh ending & it’s been really hard for me to truly swallow down everything that went down. Lately I’ve been feeling stronger and I think that I allowed myself to totally let go. I realized that I don’t regret anything, because everything happens for a reason. I thought things would fade out and we would both get over the entire bs… I don’t even care anymore… but anyways, I was late for my business class this morning & I had to go get my book at my locker…as I walked down the hallway, I saw him walking down towards me, I didn’t even really care. I acknowledged his presence and gave a subtle smile of kindness… As he passed me he loudly said, “BITCH”. I stopped, turned around, & said SERIOUSLY? I was so upset, I wanted to go up to the kid and smack him in the face. In my class I imagined all these scenarios of me just hurting him and how to make his life hell. I felt hatred towards him, my chest was in pain and my stomach was flipped… I kept repeating this word in my head…& I realized something. Who gives a fuck? If I’m a bitch for defending myself so be it. By being upset I was doing what he wanted me to do. If I were to go up to him and punch him, I wouldn’t resolve anything. Violence isn’t the answer. Why should I put myself down to his level? I have people that love me, & I have people that I love. He doesn’t deserve an inch of emotion or reaction from me. I chose to embrace this word bitch, to wrap myself around it, and gain comfort with it. So someone thinks I’m a bitch, I can’t change people’s mind, but I can change the way I react to it.
I love myself above all, & there is no room for hatred in my heart.
Yesterday, Chris & I layed on our little mountain and closed our weary eyes… As I stared up at the blue sky & looked down at a pair of tangled light eyelashes… I felt intense comfort. I felt small, I felt warmth, I felt like a gummy bear too.
I haven’t been uploading my 365 to my flickr lately, but film still sticks by my side. I lost my dslr’s battery, so I’m waiting for that to arrive. I’ve got so many ideas I’m dying to just give life to, I just hope that the world around me cooperates.
The crazy storms from last night have left my house powerless, and I found myself bare…the back of my neck sweating as I constantly flipped over in my bed. It’s unfortunate that we will probably have to throw all of our food out because it will probably rot soon enough. I’m not home right now, it’s the wrong kind of quiet to be surrounded by… I guess you really devalue electricity till it goes away.
On another hand, Lollapalooza starts friday & I’m actually looking forward to it. I’m excited to see Bright Eyes, Ratatat, Local Natives, Crystal Castles, The Drums, Beirut, Deadmau5, Portugal. The Man..among others haha I know it’ll be a pretty exhausting weekend but I’m ready to take it on :)
As far as today, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. Maybe work on some AP art projects, hopefully get my power back, and maybe hang out tonight.. I’m sure it’ll be a chill day.